I am a diabetic. I have been since I was 9 year old. That's 18 years. It has been a very hard thing, but I think it can also be viewed as a blessing. I struggle everyday, but the Lord is good and has blessings in this struggle, I'm sure.
I am a mother. I have been for nearly 6 years now. I have had 5 children. My first birth had to be planned to ensure the pediatric hospital that was attached to hospital I was delivering at would have the needed staff on hand. That meant a cardiologist, pediatric cardio-thorasic surgeon, and a number of other staff. I was induced and hated it. I was exhausted and threw up the entire labor and delivery process. My next three were all c-sections because #2 was breech and 11 pounds, #3 was 12 pounds, and #4 was 11 pounds again. My 5th baby was a c-section due to head size (45.2 weeks at time of delivery). :)
I recently had an online conversation with another diabetic I've been friends with for years. She has one daughter and wants to start trying for another one. Her doctors told her they would not give their blessing until her A1C is 7 or below. I had three babies with A1C numbers of 9 or over, thanks to doctors fighting for control of my diabetes. I gave her my advice and blessing, pledging my undying support for her no matter what she decided. She lacks all support except from her husband. Heartbreaking...absolutely heartbreaking.
That conversation brought to my attention how blessed I truly am. I told the doctors to, basically, go screw themselves and had babies as God has seen fit. He has been so good to me and blessed me with my children. I would consider my children blessings even with birth defects. That fact alone is a gift from God. He allowed me to get diabetes, which I hate, but He has blessed me even with this disease. He took my heart and changed it to trust Him with our family size and fertility. In that step of faith, He met me and my husband and has blessed us, just because He's so good.
We are all at different places in our faith. Not everyone is at a place to trust the Lord with their family size. Not everyone is at a place to stop going to the doctor or to give up medicine (like me, I am not at the place right now and I may never be). The beautiful thing about God is that He meets us where we are. Right now, our family doesn't regularly attend church, but the Lord is always in our hearts, on our lips, and in our lives. Prayer and worship are in our daily life. The Lord understands our situation and blesses us where we are. He meets us where we are.
My friend, I know you are not at a place to simply let go and trust God, but I pray that He will bless you as you seek Him more and trust His will, even in small ways. Small ways build up to big ways. Trusting God with one pregnancy and one babies's life has lead us to trust Him with our family size and to five amazing babies! I pray for you daily and my heartbreaks that you are so alone in this moment. From 1200 miles away, let me hug you and love you when you need support. I only have my husband's support as well. It is tough, but you can do it. Have faith, and if you cannot, I will have faith for you. I'm praying for you!
